Gossip Hound
by Sakanda
Summary: In which there are rumors that Sasuke and Naruto are Konoha's hottest new gay couple.


**Title:** Gossip Hound

**Genre:** Humor, Dialogue Fic

**Warning:** Dialogue, Crack, Rumors, & General Immatureness.

**Rating:** PG-13 or something

**Pairing:** Uh... Talk of SasuxNaru?

**Notes:** THIS. IS. CRACK. Quite enjoyable crack, but crack never the less.

--

**Gossip Hound**

"So... I was thinking--"

"Were you?"

"--_was thinking_ that maybe this whole rumor about us being gay isn't exactly a bad thing."

"..."

"Sasuke?"

"..."

"Hey... Stop giving me that look, bastard. It's starting to freak me--"

"What rumor?"

"Huh?"

"What rumor about us being gay?"

"Uh... The one... About us being gay...?"

"..."

"Don't glare at me! How else am I suppose to answer that?"

"Maybe by mentioning who started it? ...I bet it was that Hyuuga--I'll kill him..."

"What was that?"

"I asked, _who started it_?"

"How in the world should I know!"

"You're the one who heard about it, moron!"

"So? That doesn't-- Wait. You mean, you didn't know about it?"

"Of _course_ I didn't know about it, you dense little--"

"Oh, shit! And I told you about it like that? ...Though, it would makes sense that nobody would tell _you_, you psycho..."

"What did you say?!"

"Nothing, nothing! Just, ah... Anyways, as I was saying, this rumor, it isn't so bad..."

"How could it possibly not be 'so bad'? The entire village thinks I'm_ gay_. With _you_. How will I be able to revive my clan when-- Oh...!"

"What do you mean, 'oh'? Why do you look so-- H-hey, now! There's no need to get violent!"

"That old lady at the market! She kept giving me these filthy looks--it's because she thought _I was gay with you_!"

"Whoa, now! Let's not jump to conclusions! She could-- hey! watch it! -- could still be harboring some hard feelings about the whole 'I'm-an-avenger-and-must-abandon-my-village-and-be-molested-by-a-pedophile-to-gain-true-power' period of your life--_Ow_! Hey, put that down, it was expensive!"

"No wonder the women have been leaving me alone! It has nothing to do with your "weight gain" theory--"

"Now Sasuke, let's not lie to ourselves..."

"--it's all because of you, you freak!"

"..._Excuse me_?"

"If you weren't so... so... _gay_, then people wouldn't be jumping to these conclusions!"

"If _I_ wasn't so gay? If _I_ wasn't so gay?! Look who's talking, Mister I-wear-open-fronted-shirts-to-show-off-my-completely-'heterosexual'-washboard-abs-and-manboobs--"

"For the last time, _I am not fat_! They're called pecs, goddammit!"

"--and-friggin'-gay-purple-assbows. I am_ not _the fire-hazard here, pretty boy!"

"Yeah, and the fact that you have _men_ trying to court you left and right makes you so much straighter!"

"Wha...! I do _not_ have men trying to court me...!"

"Oh yeah? What about Hyuuga? Or Gaara? Or _Sai_?"

"_Sai is not trying to court me_! He's just, socially... retarded."

"Well, at least you two share one thing in common."

"Huh? What did you say?"

"I said, 'Then you admit the first two have something in common.'"

"Who, Neji and Gaara...? Uh, well, now that you mention it, they do throw off some weird vibes..."

"_Gay_ vibes."

"What, and you don't?!"

"No, actually, I don't."

"Oooh, right, 'cause I forgot; we _all_ believe that Sasuke Uchiha is _completely_ heterosexual, while on the other hand, Naruto I-can-name-at-least-seven-girls-who-want--to-do-me-at-this-very-moment Uzumaki, is a queer."

"The whole_ village _wants to do me."

"Men included."

"No, I meant all the women!"

"Psh, yeah, when you were twelve and hadn't yet bloomed into your gayhood."

"I don't have a 'gayhood'..!"

"Yeah, and my cupboards aren't filled with ramen-- _Hey_! Goddammit! I told you not to throw that!"

"Well then, shut up or I'll throw another one!"

"Another what? It's not like I have two-- _H-hey_! Don't! That was a gift from Kakashi-sensei..!"

"Then drop the subject!"

"Y-yeah! Fine, sure! Just put that-- O-okay, thank you."

"'tch."

"..."

"..."

"...You know... I brought this subject up for a reason..."

"Don't you even st--"

"--because, seriously, this rumor could have benefits for us!"

"..."

"...?"

"...how so?"

"Well, you see, first off, since neither of us are in a relationship, if we were to get injured on a mission - or die - the Compensation Package would go to no one and be completely wasted. But if we were to claim we were in a relationship with _each other_, then the one left behind would get all the money and stuff."

"..."

"...I mean, if you were like, in a coma, no one would be there to get the compensation, right? And when you woke up, you'd have to pay for all the medical bills out of your own pocket. But if I were to receive it while you where in a coma, I could just spend the money I got from it on your all your fees, so you wouldn't really be spending anything, right?"

"..."

"Plus, you know... You did mention my tendency to attract,_ ehem_, unwelcome attention. So if we were to claim to be in a relationship, your presence would be enough to send them running for the hills!"

"..."

"...Oh, but, don't think I'd be the only one getting something out of this! You _have_ been complaining about not getting enough attention from the ladies as of late. And what charms a girl more than the prospect of a couple of hot homos? Not to mention, women always want what they can't have, so once they think you're off the market, bam! They'll get right to the baby making!"

"..."

"..."

"You really did think about this, didn't you?"

"Well, I have a lot of free time on my hands, since the whole, well you know, dragging you back to Konoha bit."

"Yeah. 'That bit'."

"Hmpf. You don't have to look so testy about it."

"...Whatever, Naruto."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So what do you think about the whole fake relationship thing?"

"...There seems to be some major flaws with it."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"_Other _than the fact that everyone is going to think I'm gay?"

"Everyone already_ does _think you're gay, Sasuke."

"...I'll ignore that."

"Thanks. So, other than that?"

"If we're going to be in a 'relationship', then that means we can't be in other relationships."

"...So?"

"Try thinking for once, Naruto."

"Didn't I start out this conversation doing that?"

"...Idiot."

"Don't roll your eyes at me!"

"Naruto."

"What?"

"What do you do in relationships?"

"Um, go on dates?"

"And?"

"Er, buy the other... things?"

"And?"

"Hold hands?"

"And?"

"Kiss?"

"_And_?"

"...The other person...?"

"Huh?"

"You _do_ the other people. Haha, get it?"

"..."

"Hahaha-- oh."

"Yeah.

"_Oooh_."

"Yeah."

"Hm... Well, that sucks. Can't we just 'cheat' on one another?"

"Naruto, this is a ninja village. Don't you think the _ninja_ here would notice something like that?"

"I guess you're right..."

"..."

"..."

"...Well... We could..."

"Huh?"

"You know..."

"Uh, no? What?"

"We could... help the other person out. If you know what I mean. Just so-- um, just so they wouldn't have to go without..."

"..."

"...W-what? It wouldn't mean anything."

"..."

"If you were caught cheating, then people wouldn't actually believe we were dating!"

"..."

"There'd be no point to any of it!"

"..."

"..."

"...You are _so_ gay."

"What! No--"

"I mean, 'help the other out'? Is that the line Orochimaru used on you or something?"

"He never--"

"'Never heard about this rumor', my ass. You just wanted an excuse to get into my pants! You-- _Hey_! I told you to put that down! Don't-- _Ow_...!"

"Get back here!"

"Waah! Look what you did! Kakashi-sensei's gonna kill me!"

"Not before I do, you moron!"

_fin_


End file.
